In a dramatic policy u-turn which has caught many by surprise, the United States Secretary of Defence, Leon Panetta, has finally realised that child-soldiers are awesome. Mr. Panetta today unveiled plans to begin recruiting children as young as 9 into the army, navy and possibly the intelligence services within 6 months.
The U.S. Government, along with UNICEF and most other nations, has consistently condemned the use of child soldiers around the world on humanitarian grounds. “Like many reasonable people, I believed the use of children in war was both cruel and ineffective,” said Secretary Panetta, “but I recently saw the movie Hanna and that really changed my mind. I mean, it starts off and you think ‘She’ll never make it’ and then she starts kicking the shit out of grown men – soldiers for Christ sake. Breaking people’s necks, speaking all sorts of languages. Fucking awesome is all I would call it, and the President agrees.”
Secretary Panetta went on to explain that after watching Hanna together for the second time, he and President Obama ordered an aide to bring them copies of 80s classic D.A.R.Y.L. and the Spy Kids series.
Addressing the media, President Obama explained the value of a child-soldier programme. “We can no longer ignore the benefits of having a child army. Adults have to be paid, eat larger meals, get fatally wounded. Not the case with children.” The President went on to explain how in the dozens of films he and Secretary Panetta reviewed, the adults never managed to kill the children attacking them. “The kid in D.A.R.Y.L. even steals a goddamn stealth plane from the Air Force, which I can assure you, is very hard to do.”
But the President is well aware of the criticism he will soon face. “I know a lot of people will be uncomfortable with the idea, as was I until recently. UNICEF and the NGOs have been complaining about child-soldiers for years. But all people think of are the half-starved, drug addicted kids toting AK-47s in Sub-Saharan Africa. American child-soldiers will be getting the best training imaginable. Karate, computer hacking. Cool shit like that.”
“If it hadn’t been for those movies I would have been sucked in by all that negative propaganda from UNICEF like everyone else. Thankfully Hollywood kept the idea alive and, more importantly, proved that it can work.”
The U.S. Government, along with UNICEF and most other nations, has consistently condemned the use of child soldiers around the world on humanitarian grounds. “Like many reasonable people, I believed the use of children in war was both cruel and ineffective,” said Secretary Panetta, “but I recently saw the movie Hanna and that really changed my mind. I mean, it starts off and you think ‘She’ll never make it’ and then she starts kicking the shit out of grown men – soldiers for Christ sake. Breaking people’s necks, speaking all sorts of languages. Fucking awesome is all I would call it, and the President agrees.”
Secretary Panetta went on to explain that after watching Hanna together for the second time, he and President Obama ordered an aide to bring them copies of 80s classic D.A.R.Y.L. and the Spy Kids series.
Addressing the media, President Obama explained the value of a child-soldier programme. “We can no longer ignore the benefits of having a child army. Adults have to be paid, eat larger meals, get fatally wounded. Not the case with children.” The President went on to explain how in the dozens of films he and Secretary Panetta reviewed, the adults never managed to kill the children attacking them. “The kid in D.A.R.Y.L. even steals a goddamn stealth plane from the Air Force, which I can assure you, is very hard to do.”
But the President is well aware of the criticism he will soon face. “I know a lot of people will be uncomfortable with the idea, as was I until recently. UNICEF and the NGOs have been complaining about child-soldiers for years. But all people think of are the half-starved, drug addicted kids toting AK-47s in Sub-Saharan Africa. American child-soldiers will be getting the best training imaginable. Karate, computer hacking. Cool shit like that.”
“If it hadn’t been for those movies I would have been sucked in by all that negative propaganda from UNICEF like everyone else. Thankfully Hollywood kept the idea alive and, more importantly, proved that it can work.”
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