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Berlusconi Awarded With His Third Whuhuhuhuhuh

Silvio Berlusconi has once again been crowned the world’s Sexiest Creepy Old Man in a poll of readers of Now! magazine, making this his third Whuhuhuhuhuh. The former Italian prime minister and telecoms tycoon faced down challenges from close rivals Hugh Hefner and Bernie Ecclestone. “This is a marvellous achievement for Silvio to win it 3 years running,” said fellow nominee and long-time friend Ecclestone. “I wish him all the best.”

The annual award, informally named after the sound people make when they shiver at an uncomfortable thought, is the highlight in Now!’s calendar. Past Whuhuhuhuhuh winners include club owner Peter Stringfellow, Rolling Stone Keith Richards and the late actor Charlton Heston. Stringfellow was, at one time, rumoured to carry his Whuhuhuhuhuh around with him when he visited his chain of highly-sophisticated strip clubs. Heston was less enthusiastic about the accolade, famously using his NASA connections to have his Whuhuhuhuhuh blasted into space.

A number of readers have consistently slated the judging process, however, for a perceived lack of choice. “Not all women find the likes of Berlusconi and Keith Richards creepy,” said one reader. “Why can’t we vote on people like George Clooney or John Hurt?” In defence of the current range of nominees, Now! editor Barbara Wheatley said that many readers just assume John Hurt is dead - making him a non-starter - and that George Clooney, although he does regularly date women young enough to be his daughter, has not yet reached the required minimum age of 60.

When contacted about the prize, Mr Berlusconi said he would be putting his latest Whuhuhuhuhuh statuette alongside the other two in a specially designed cabinet aboard his sexiest yacht.

United States To Begin Recruiting Child Soldiers

In a dramatic policy u-turn which has caught many by surprise, the United States Secretary of Defence, Leon Panetta, has finally realised that child-soldiers are awesome. Mr. Panetta today unveiled plans to begin recruiting children as young as 9 into the army, navy and possibly the intelligence services within 6 months.

The U.S. Government, along with UNICEF and most other nations, has consistently condemned the use of child soldiers around the world on humanitarian grounds. “Like many reasonable people, I believed the use of children in war was both cruel and ineffective,” said Secretary Panetta, “but I recently saw the movie Hanna and that really changed my mind. I mean, it starts off and you think ‘She’ll never make it’ and then she starts kicking the shit out of grown men – soldiers for Christ sake. Breaking people’s necks, speaking all sorts of languages. Fucking awesome is all I would call it, and the President agrees.”

Secretary Panetta went on to explain that after watching Hanna together for the second time, he and President Obama ordered an aide to bring them copies of 80s classic D.A.R.Y.L. and the Spy Kids series.

Addressing the media, President Obama explained the value of a child-soldier programme. “We can no longer ignore the benefits of having a child army. Adults have to be paid, eat larger meals, get fatally wounded. Not the case with children.” The President went on to explain how in the dozens of films he and Secretary Panetta reviewed, the adults never managed to kill the children attacking them. “The kid in D.A.R.Y.L. even steals a goddamn stealth plane from the Air Force, which I can assure you, is very hard to do.”

But the President is well aware of the criticism he will soon face. “I know a lot of people will be uncomfortable with the idea, as was I until recently. UNICEF and the NGOs have been complaining about child-soldiers for years. But all people think of are the half-starved, drug addicted kids toting AK-47s in Sub-Saharan Africa. American child-soldiers will be getting the best training imaginable. Karate, computer hacking. Cool shit like that.”

“If it hadn’t been for those movies I would have been sucked in by all that negative propaganda from UNICEF like everyone else. Thankfully Hollywood kept the idea alive and, more importantly, proved that it can work.”

Benetton To Become Clothes Retailer

International human rights advocacy group Benetton has shocked the world yet again with the announcement that it will henceforth be a clothing manufacturer. In a statement delivered from a platform shaped like a HIV positive foetus, aborted because of racism, chairman Luciano Benetton made clear his continued commitment to raising awareness of human rights issues around the world. “As far as speaking for the marginalized and the downtrodden goes, I will always see that as my life’s work. But human rights campaigning is a young man’s game and it is time for someone else, under my guidance, to take up the mantle.”

The Benetton Group has won acclaim and condemnation in equal measure over the years for its high-profile billboard campaigns depicting AIDS sufferers, minorities and genitalia. Their most recent UnHate campaign depicts world leaders such as Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez defecating while performing oral sex on one another.

The assembled press, who were forced to watch a five minute film of the Pope injecting heroin beforehand, were a little puzzled at Mr. Benetton’s bizarre move. But the chairman explained himself by saying, “It has been a dream of mine for several years to make over-priced, brightly coloured polo shirts. Nothing too fancy-looking or imaginative.” He was then joined on the stage by several family members - dressed in turn as Islamic suicide bombers and their weeping mothers - carrying samples of the group’s Spring/Summer line.

Barbara Hutchinson, fashion editor with the Daily Mail, commented that the clothing was uninspiring to look at. “Honestly, I don’t know how they plan to sell this stuff to higher-end consumers. I’m no marketing expert, but some sort of ad campaign that didn’t feature the clothes at all might work. Something that encourages people to buy into the brand, as opposed to the garments themselves.”

Asked why he would not continue his human rights work alongside his new clothing brand, Mr. Benetton said he did not wish to confuse the public about what the company was about. “From now on I want people to associate the Benetton name with boring, expensive clothes. If we were to continue to do both, consumers might mistakenly think we were exploiting society’s problems just to hawk our shit.”

Nicolas Cage Unsure How Many Crappy Films He Can Star In Next Year

Actor Nicolas Cage has admitted he may have to curtail his output of shitty, predictable blockbusters in 2012. The star of such unforgivable cinematic turds as Con-Air, National Treasure, Kiss of Death, Next, Knowing, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, The Rock, Gone In Sixty Seconds, Face-Off, Bangkok Dangerous and The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans raised the possibility of a sabbatical during interviews for some other piece of shit he’s starring in this month.

“I love making these soulless money-spinners,” said the widely hated actor, “but 3-4 of them a year take their toll on you. I just don’t want to get to a place where I’m not loving every minute of it. This industry is about following your dreams, after all, and since the day I saw my uncle’s masterpiece, The Godfather, I knew I wanted to star in some of the worst movies ever made.”

It hasn’t been easy for Cage, as he occasionally finds himself starring in a Scorcese tour de force like Bringing Out The Dead or accidentally picking up the Best Actor oscar for Leaving Las Vegas. “That’s the risk you take on a new project. You show up and do your scenes and only find out months later that the director has gone and made a compelling, thought-provoking gem. As the actor, you have no way of knowing.”

But Cage is hopeful he has found a solution. “Half-way through making Kick-Ass, I realised that it was shaping up to be a critically-acclaimed, highly original dark comedy. The best I could do was deliver all my lines like a complete moron. There are some great performances in Kick-Ass and an amazing script, but I’m pretty sure my awful performance balanced it out.”

Nicolas Cage’s latest piece of shit opens in all theatres this weekend.

Minister Proposes Cutting Garda Dream Allowance

The Garda Representative Association (GRA) is to begin balloting members this week over the proposed withdrawal of their dream allowance. Currently members of An Garda Siochana can claim up to €150 per month for dreams they have about police work. The move by government is one of a raft of new cost-saving measures expected to be part of the December budget.

General Secretary of the GRA, P.J. Stone, today described the withdrawal of the dream allowance as “unfair and ill-timed”. “This is yet another example of Minister Shatter’s lack of commitment to standards in policing in Ireland. We may soon have a situation where the solution to a case occurs to a Garda in a dream – as often happens – and that Garda is not entitled to collect pay for the time spent on that dream. We can bail out the banks, it seems, but we can’t bail out those who, night after night, dream some of the toughest dreams in our society.”

A number of serving Gardai have detailed how they often endure verbal and physical abuse from members of the public in their dreams or they try to run away from monsters, only to find their legs won’t move faster than walking speed. “This can be quite distressing,” said a Garda sergeant who refused to be identified. “More than once I have woken up in a cold sweat. If this goes through, I might be forced to give up dreaming altogether.”

Mr Stone pointed out that those civil servants who do not work in front line services, effectively get paid to dream, since they can sleep in their big comfy offices. By contrast, most Gardai are expected to walk a beat, drive a squad car or nod blankly at people who have just been mugged – activities where being awake is necessary in most cases.

Minister for Justice, Alan Shatter has robustly defended the move, however. “No one is saying the Gardai shouldn’t be commended for the invaluable police work they do while unconscious. We are still willing to reimburse them for any meals or other legitimate expenses they accrue in their dreams, as long they provide receipts.” The minister has also proposed cutting the number of Gardai who chat around a desk while you wait at the window from 4 to 2.

Ali Regrets Not Causing the Death of Joe Frazier

The Thrilla in Manilla: Ali Vs Frazier, 1975

Boxing legend Muhammed Ali today expressed his sadness at the death from natural causes of his old adversary, former World Heavyweight Champion, Joe Frazier. While many notable personalities from the boxing world spoke of their regret at the passing of a "fighter who defined the sport", Ali was much more specific, stating he had always hoped to kill Frazier in the ring some day.

"I know it sounds like a crazy dream for such an old man," said Ali, "but I was really hoping to bust Joe's head. I mean literally bust it open." Ali has a long-standing reputation as an outspoken and sometimes controversial self-promoter but he cemented his reputation as a relentless fighter by beating several of his opponents to death.

The Kentucky native first shook the boxing world when he fatally fractured the skull of then title-holder Sonny Liston during the 6th round of their 1964 bout. Liston was pronounced dead in the ring as the 22 year-old Ali, held back by supporters, shouted at him to get up in what boxing writer Bert Sugar later described as an iconic moment for the sport.

Ali's 1974 clash with George Foreman - widely referred to as The Rumble In The Jungle - also ended in tragedy when Ali pounded Foreman for several minutes after the defending champion fell to the ground, just days after patenting his design for an inclined electric grill which still bears his name.

Ali and Frazier last met during their much-hyped bout in 1975, dubbed the 'Thrilla in Manilla', after which a victorious Ali expressed regret when his opponent emerged from his coma. When asked about his long-standing feud with Frazier, Ali commented that the years of resentment between the pair could have been avoided if he had only been given a proper chance to end Frazier's life violently in front of a cheering crowd.